Best Status Updates ( NEW )

My Battery is Low 10% █ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲] I gotta Sleep

Like" if you
DON'T smoke (̅_̅_̅_̅(̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅̅_̅()~~

"Comment" If you Smoke..:-(



Relationship stages:

Strangers → Friends → Close Friends →
↓ ← ← ← ← ← ← ← ← ← ← ← ← ← ╝
Crush → Relationship → Heartbroken → Strangers



"Music is my life."
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║(O)║♫ ♪ ♫ ♪
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▄ █ ▄ █ ▄ ▄ █ ▄ █ ▄ █
Min- - - - - - - - - - - -●Max.

Meeting men at bars is like window shopping. You’re looking at fancy clothes on a bunch of dummies.

That amazing moment when you post a comment on facebook and everyone likes it.


In the restaurant window, “Eat now Pay waiter.”

Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like frantically getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.

If a profile picture has two people in it, the profile belongs to the uglier one.


My wife had auto correct way before the iPhone.


Some thoughts should stay in your head.


You may not like what I do or my different view but that’s why I’m me, and not you


Don’t be like cigarettes, people buy you when they need you and step on you when they finish from you, but be like drugs, they DIE if they don’t have you..

You know you are addicted to Facebook when you log off Facebook, turn your computer off, go to bed, role over, and log onto your Facebook from your phone one last time for the night.

If you wanna be successful in life, you have to work hard for it, but party harder.


Good morning. You are beautiful inside and out. Hit your day head on knowing this, and everything will be just fine.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize that you`re wrong.

Cheer up, tomorrow will be a better day, just believe!


It may look like I’m doing nothing, but I’m actively waiting for my problems to go away.


The “people you may know” feature on FB should be renamed to “people that you know, but deliberately choose not to be friends with.

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house!


If we're good friends, there's an 80% chance I've texted you mid-poop.



That awkward moment when your friend steals your Facebook status update and gets a ton more "likes" than you did.


I LOVE BEATING WOMEN... to the door so I can open it for them.


I always feel like I just passed my Best If Used By date.


I watched all 3 Toy Story movies today and I must admit, I was little bit surprised that none of Andy's Mom's 'toys' appeared even once. Do you think it was because they thought it might confuse the kids that there is more then one Buzz and Woody?


Halloween should just be changed to National Dress Like a Whore Day.


Had my wife's hearing tested today because she's always yelling. Turns out she's just a bitch.


When things don't add up in your life, start subtracting!


‎"Thought about buying self help book but then I realized perfection can't be helped.


Don’t kid yourself, we know you’re not “offline” on Facebook chat.



If we never learned to share when we were in Kindergarten, there would be no Facebook.



If you watch Godzilla backwards its about a dinosaur who passionately pieces a city back together before moonwalking into the sea.



Women speak two languages, one of which is verbal.



Stopping the microwave at 0:01 because you're a bomb defuse expert.



To all the people who failed out of high school, just remember 2 things: 1) At least you tried your best, and 2) I said NO tomatoes on my burger, bitch!



Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.



My healthcare plan is pretty simple. I’m covered as long as I stay healthy.



You know, it wasn't always called bipolar. It used to be called "being a bitch!"



I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.



If you're purchasing a pregnancy test from the Dollar Store, I think we both know you can't afford a positive.



If you're not supposed to misuse cough syrup, then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?


I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn't take and you're a demon who must be destroyed.


If you were born in the 90′s The best P.E. lessons involved a Rainbow colored parachute!


There's no "I" in meat, but there's "me" and "eat", now how can vegans argue with that kind of logic?


PSA: You may “love” your boyfriend, But we’d all appreciate it if you didn’t post it on Facebook every thirty seconds, thanks.


Don't steal... The government hates competition.


I found my girlfriend dead the other day. She just laid there lifeless so I decided to F_ _k her one last time. Then all of a sudden she jumped up and shouted 'BOO!' I swear some people are just sick in the head!

That amazing moment when you post a comment on Facebook and everyone likes it.


MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.