Don’t send me a number to my inbox. Unless it is a 16 digit number, and either a VISA, Mastercard, or American Express. I would love a nice shopping spree. Thank you.
JAKE...
knows it's hot when your farts ignite!
knows it's hot when Pamela Anderson's boobs are melting!
knows it's hot when fat guys are making their own gravy!
thinks it's hotter than a pair of sweat pants full of barbecue!
knows it's hot when Dick Cheney is waterboarding himself!
hopes you brought the champagne because today is gonna be TOASTY!
knows it's hot when when the geese in the park come in "original recipe" and "extra crispy."
knows it's hot when pigs complain about sweating like fat humans.
needs a spatula to remove her clothing. ;)
's earwax is melting, it's so hot!
knows it's hot when Domino's Pizza is almost at room temperature when it arrives
knows it's hot when the air has a shadow.
knows it's hot when ABC announces a new show called ‘America’s Got Heat Stroke’
thinks it's hot when the women in this town are ovulating hardboiled eggs!
knows it's hot when Jehovah's Witnesses started telemarketing!!
knows it's hot when squirrels are leaving their nuts uncovered.
is sweating like the last piece of chicken at a Brown's family reunion it's so damn hot!
knows it's hot when Barry Bonds is injecting Slurpees in his ass
will finally know what Joan Rivers' face really looks like it melts because it's so hot.
is inside writing status updates on FaceBook because it's too damn hot!
If Facebook ruins relationships, guns kill people, pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk & spoons make you fat. I shouldn’t have to break this down but here’s for the mentally challenged: don’t blame the means that a person uses for how the PERSON chooses to use it. Take responsibility for YOURSELF.
WELCOME TO FACEBOOK… The place where people add you as a friend & walk past you in the street. Where relationships are perfect, affairs are started, & liars believe they are telling the truth. Your enemies visit your profile the most, yet your friends & family block you, & even though you write what you are really thinking, someone always takes it the wrong way, & people think your status is about them.
You know you are addicted to Facebook when you log off Facebook, turn your computer off, go to bed, role over, and log onto your Facebook from your phone one last time for the night.
Life is like Facebook, you have friends but all they do is play games.
Before Facebook existed, writing on someone’s wall was considered a crime and poking someone was considered foreplay.
Facebook is like the fridge, you know there is nothing new but check it anyway
I swear! If I get another bruise from all the Facebook pokes, I’m gonna invent the Facebook B*tch slap!
Facebook is the leading cause of procrastination.
I’m texting and on Facebook, texting+Facebook=textbook therefore, I am STUDYING!
wishes Facebook made who cares, liar, you’re so not in love, he cheated, let’s party, shut the fuck up, drama queen, not funny, & blah buttons…instead of like
I love people who post about every detail of their life on facebook… then get mad because people are “In their Business”.
I update my status constantly because Facebook is the only one who ever asks me what’s on my mind!
"Never take 'No' for an answer!" ...said the rapist.
Facebook – Where people go from SINGLE to IN A RELATIONSHIP to MARRIED to IT’S COMPLICATED then SINGLE in one day.
Dear Auto-Correct, Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. What the He'll? You piece of SHUT!
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
When I think of a good status in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it’s too late.
The angle of the dangle is adversely proportional to the heat of the beat
My wife says she enjoys my company. Good thing I own it.
If I could get back all the money I've ever spent on booze, I could totally buy a TON of booze right now!
is…
too cool for school.
constantly evolving.
intelligently designing.
the dude, playing the dude, disguised as another dude.
a day late and a dollar short.
eating a PB&J sammich.
the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.
flossing with angel hair pasta.
creatively disabled currently.
preparing for a meeting with Chuck Norris. What should I WEAR??!?!
watching some dude and some chick fight to tell someone else what not to wear.
definitely not watching what not to wear.
definitely not watching oprah.
selling my roomates $hit on eBay.
forcing my dog to learn how to google.
teaching the cat how to be a ninja.
about to mail my check for $1500 to nigeria for the $15million lottery i just won! Cya later SUCKAS!!
watching every matrix followed by every star wars followed by every LOTR. Which incidentally adds up to exactly 24hours.
snail mailing a snail. Just to say I did it.
sexual healing.
eating pizza but not the italian kind.. the taco bell kind.
one day older than I was yesterday.
crying for no particular reason other than the fact that my cat spontaneously combusted!
happy that you finally broke up with that slut. Now I can tell you VIA facebook update that I boinked her.
kissing a girl and may or may not be liking it.
mediocre at best.
Has…
zero tolerance for lactose intolerance.
> $20 in my bank acct. Drinks on you homie.
20/20 hearing!
a giant hangover octopus stuck to my head.
run out of time on my parking meter.
google’d and google’d until my little paws hurt.
ninety nine problems however, a biotch is not currently one. (this can coincide with a recent “in a relationship)
just added a friend I don’t even know.
noticed your mother has been calling me a lot, wondering whats that about?
just bought a cadillac, throwing some D’s on that bitch.
actually won the nigerian lottery!
puked more than twice today.
sold the dudes car who keep parking in my spot on eBay. SUCKA!!!
made my car into a hybrid by siphoning gas out of your tank.
noticed that your looking a little fat lately, you should really do something about that.
seen pictures of you naked on the internet.
was…
asleep until you just called me… ass!
watching football when it just hit me, football is extremely gay.
dancing with the stars.
drunk dialing but luckily my mom stopped me. Thanks MADD (motha’s against drunk dialing)
googling pop tarts. God I LOVE POP TARTS!
snorting salt… Don’t, it stings.
watching 2girls1cup and now i am puking.
scouring youtube for the naked videos that somehow make it through.
listening to the latest britney spears record…….. i mean… definately not listening to britney spears.
i have a big L on my forehead right now..L for LOST..hahahaha xDD hmmmm -_-
Car service: If it ain’t broke, we’ll break it.
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
“Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.” – Al Bundy
Guys: No Shirt, No Service – Girls: No Shirt, No Charge
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Friendship is like peeing on yourself:
everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine;
The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
&& he gets better with age.
Girls are like phones.
We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected!
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains,
because the average man can see better than he can think.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep
– not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
You laugh because I’m different…
I laugh cause I just farted!
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? — ‘Hold my purse.’
Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest.
What you call dog with no legs?
Don’t matter what you call him, he ain’t gonna come.
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky…
&& I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. — The lesson is ‘never try‘.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.
He told me to quit going to those places.
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.
I wanna be a stamp, because that’s the only way i’ll ever get licked…
Never argue with an idiot…People watching won’t be able to tell the difference.
What starts with F and ends in UCK? Firetruck
