A man asked a fairy to make him desirable & irresistible to all women. She turned him into a credit card.
Cop pulls man over for suspicion of drunk driving.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Man: No.
Cop: Papers.
Man: Scissors, I win!
Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears.
I’m not addicted to Facebook. I only use it when I have time: lunch time, break time, bed time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.
Dear Warner Bros: Now that I’m an adult, I feel I’m am old enough to hear what the “Beep Beep” is hiding when Road Runner talks to Wile E. Coyote.
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.
Blonde and Brunette r walking on the road.brunette says “Look, a dead bird.” Blonde looks up in the sky, “WHERE, WHERE?”
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
Scratch here – ¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ to reveal today’s status?
Would like to congratulate their parents on having such an awesome daughter-well done!
When you see a man opening a car door for a woman it can only mean 1 of 2 things. Either the car is new or the wife is.
Statistics say that 1 in 4 people are insane, so take a look at your 3 best friends and if they are all OK, its you!
Welcome to the real Internet, where the men are men, the women are men, and the children are the FBI.
I hate weddings. old people would poke me saying “You’re next”. They stopped when I started going up to them at funerals and poking them, saying, “You’re next“.
A murderer was sitting on the electric chair. “Do u have any last requests?” “Yes, will u hold my hand?” XD
Boy: hey dad I got a girlfriend Dad: Good job son! Girl: Hey daddy I got a boyfriend Dad: *loads shotgun*
Cops came around to my house today, told me that my dog was chasing someone on a bike, i told them to bugger off, my dog does not own a bike!
I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate.
Good girls go to Heaven, bad girls just make you FEEL like you’re in Heaven!
Insert coin to view status message?
When I was born I was so surprised, I didn’t talk for a year and a half!
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say “in jesus name amen”.
Ques: Why do Girls live Longer Than Boys? Ans: Shopping never Causes Heart Attacks, .. But Paying the Bill does.
Facebook is like Jail, you sit around and waste time, You write on walls and you get poked by people you dont know
Dear God, please give us back Michael Jackson and in exchange we’ll give you Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Bros. Sincerely, Me.
There’s no such thing as insomnia. Just a lot of people with Internet access. (by ziggy)
”The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.” – Saket Narayan
- You don’t have to like me, I’m not a facebook status!
- If money grew on trees, girls would be dating monkeys!
- Never make eye contact while eating a banana.
- I am not born to please people, So if you want to get pleased try me in next life…good luck!
- Dear math: I am not a therapist, so solve your own problems.
- What do i do when i see someone EXTREMELY GORGEOUS? I stare, I smile and when i get tired i put the mirror down
- 4 out of 5 urologists smell an apple juice before they drink it.
- Girls spend the first 10 years of their lifes playing with barbies. The next 10 years of their lifes they try to look like one. (;
- How come Mario can smash through bricks, yet he dies when he touches a freakin turtle??
- How much do I have to drink to get a mosquito drunk?
- Today I decided to burn calories so i turned fire on fat kids!!
- I’m not saying you’re stupid; you just have bad luck when you’re thinking.
- I miss you like a retard misses the point!
- wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…but suicide’s a crime.
- I wish I had Doras parents… They let that girl go everywhere!
- I got all excited when my husband said he was taking somewhere expensive tonight. 10 minutes later we were at the gas station.
- “Super” Mario should so be a kid role model: “Heyy kids don’t be racist… I’m an Italian made by the Japanese I speak English I look like a Mexican and I run like a Jamaican!”
- Just finished my 6 minute upper body workout-it was pretty easy:arm down,pick up food,arm up,put food in mouth, switch arms.
- Ok Mario you can hit bricks with your head right? Then why do you die when you touch a turtle WTF! -.-
- A real man is a woman’s best friend. He will never let her down. He will comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions. He will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible …No, wait. Sorry. I’m thinking of wine. It’s wine that does all that. Never mind.
- When a lady had a nice time with a guy, she looks forward for the next moment and the guys looks forward for the next chick.
- I am proud of myself. I finished the puzzle in just 6 months while the box said 2 to 4 years.
- they say you should pay taxes with a smile, I tried……. but they wanted cash.
- The awkward moment when you go to grab someone sexy and tell em hey and you run into the mirror!
- The awkward moment when your at your friends house and your friend is fighting with their parents so you just go and pat the dog.
- Children – You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
- Success is like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
- I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate.
- Good girls go to Heaven, bad girls just make you FEEL like you’re in Heaven!
- Insert coin to view status message?
- When I was born I was so surprised, I didn’t talk for a year and a half!
- If you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say “in jesus name amen”.
- Note to self: Never make eye contact with a man while eating a banana.
- Facebook is like Jail, you sit around and waste time, You write on walls and you get poked by people you dont know.
- I hate weddings. old people would poke me saying “You’re next”. They stopped when I started going up to them at funerals and poking them, saying, “You’re next“.
- A murderer was sitting on the electric chair. “Do u have any last requests?” “Yes, will u hold my hand.Would like to congratulate their parents on having such an awesome daughter-well done!
- When you see a man opening a car door for a woman it can only mean 1 of 2 things. Either the car is new or the wife is.
- Statistics say that 1 in 4 people are insane, so take a look at your 3 best friends and if they are all OK, its you!
- Welcome to the real Internet, where the men are men, the women are men, and the children are the FBI.
- Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears.
- I’m not addicted to Facebook. I only use it when I have time: lunch time, break time, bed time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.
- Dear Warner Bros: Now that I’m an adult, I feel I’m am old enough to hear what the “Beep Beep” is hiding when Road Runner talks to Wile E. Coyote.
- Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
- Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.
- Blonde and Brunette r walking on the road.brunette says “Look, a dead bird.” Blonde looks up in the sky, “WHERE, WHERE?”
- Fucking” is one of those fucking words you can fucking put any fucking where in a sentence and it still makes fucking sense.
- Just wanna be a good guy, no matter how hard it is…
- People always say hard work pays off in future but, why wouldn’t they think of Laziness that pays off now.
- I used to play sports alot. Until, recently I realized that trophies are much cheaper than I ever imagined they were. You know what, now I’m good at everything.
- Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn’t surprising really, know why?? It isn’t my birthday today!!
- It’s too bad that not many people repeat their mistakes. I’m so good at it.
- wanted to be a hero. He wanted the glory, he wanted the fame, he wanted the pretty girls to come up to him and kiss him.
- Best file compression around: “DELETE” = 100% compression.
- I want to kill the smartest person in the world… but suicide is a crime, you know!!
- If you try to fail and you succeed, have you succeeded or failed?
- 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
- If you can’t get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.
- Wealthy people miss one of life’s greatest thrills…making the last car payment.
- A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
- Assassins do it from behind.
- I could talk about myself for hours. But the second someone asks me to tell them a little bit about myself? I can’t even remember my name.
- One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions
- I don’t know what I’d do without Facebook. Probably my work.
- I am the type of person who laughs at mistakes, so pardon me if I laugh at your face
- How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
- Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use Facebook and they won’t bother you for Weeks
- I wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime.
- Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling.
- I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, “How did you get in here?”
- Not every flower can say love, a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, a cactus did. Not every retard can read, but look at you go!”
- Today I told my car it’s ok to tell me it’s a Transformer. It did’nt answer. I figure it’s just waiting for the right moment….
- I’m so cool I embarass winter
- Allow me to introduce my selves.
- Morning all…. as you can see your assassins fails!
- My gf died in my arms. Actually I was holding her under the water.
- When you sponsor a dog, The dog will write back to you… How??
- So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
- Insert coin to view my status message.”
- “Most of us can keep a secret. It’s the people we tell it to who can’t.”
- ..says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”
- “Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.”
- Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
- I will stop judging myself on how many people I have on my friends list. Also, stop taking posed, extreme angle profile pics…if you know me you know what I really look like.
- If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
- You don’t have to like me, I’m not a facebook status!
- You can steal my status updates if you like, but I lick every single one before I post them.
- Next time your “making love” try screaming your own name!
- If life is such a bitch , Why do 97% of Men Marry one ??
- Take life as it comes in your face and runs down your chin.
- When I die, i`m gonna have a “like” and “dislike” button on my gravestone
- Do not ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself
- Remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit!
- There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don’t.
- Nobody dies a virgin, life fucks everyone.
- I know three facts about you, one you can’t say M without your lips touching, two your trying it now and you look like an idiot alien, three now your smiling.
- I tried to log on to Facebook. It said, “Cookies are required to operate.” I thought to myself, “Me too, Facebook. Me too.”
- Violence is not the answer only a temporary solution, read that on wikipedia somewhere!
- If the world was fair, Elvis Presley would still be alive and all the impersonators would be dead!
- Relationships are like Tom & Jerry: They tease each other, knock down each other, irritate each other, but can’t live without each other.
- Just deleted 100 friends… if you are reading this congrats my friend
- Life’s a bitch, if it were a slut it’d be so much easier.
- Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some continue to abuse the privilege!
- I used to laugh from my heart now I laugh from mind. The only reason why I’m still laughing is to keep you from knowing that I’m crying.
- …Says that one day, you will look at me and think – “he was good to me…he really did love me.”
- you can replace me… but you can never forget me…
- Which is worse? To be in someone’s life but not in their dreams? Or to be in someone’s dreams but not in their life?
- I woke up again today with my heart hurting… it misses you. I don’t know why. It should hate you for breaking it and making it miserable, but it doesn’t.
- it hurts when you try to make things RIGHT, and all that they can see in you is WRONG.
- girls fall in love with what they hear and boys fall in love with what they see and that’s why girls wear make up and boys lie
- U pushed me so far away, now I’m on the edge. Do u love me enough to pull me back? Or prove me right and let me fall, letting the next person pick me up!MeliMel
- I’ve let certain people stay in my life far longer than they deserve and it’s time to toss out the trash and bring back those who did nothing wrong
- you won’t tell me because you think the truth will hurt me, but it’s the lie that’s killing me
- I’m trying not to love you. I’m trying not to care. I’m trying not to live my life wishing you were here. But i just can’t do it..
