Sea levels aren't rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually shrinking...
- It’s wet, rub it up & down. If it’s small put 2 fingers in it, if it’s big put 3 fingers in it.. Yup, that’s how to wash a cup!
- Are you from Jamaica? Cause Ja-makin me wanna f*ck you.
- i did not fall…i just attacked the floor!!l
- Fake friends are like shadows: always near you at your brightest moments, but nowhere to be seen at your darkest hour.
- Warning!!! Aliens are coming to abduct all the sexy, beautiful people!! Don’t worry…you are OK. I just wanted to say “good-bye!”
- he who laughs last thinks slowest but he who laughs first has the dirtiest mind
- Facebook is like the fridge. You keep checking on it every 10 minutes, but there really isn’t anything new for you to look at. =)
- Check This Out! ___/\___*\o/*___ (“SHARK ATTACKING A CHEERLEADER!”) lmao
- Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
- “2pac’s” of “Eminems” cost “50 Cent” that’s “Ludacris” & can i have my “nickleback” ?
- Boy walks in to class room: Teacher: Why are you late? Boy: I saw a sign on the way to school. Teacher: What did the sign say? Boy: School ahead slow down.
- If “poli” means many, and “tics” means blood sucking insects, what does politics mean?
- wants to know who his real friends are…Who’s gonna help me move a dead body tonight at around 8pm?
- i like my men like i like my shoes… tall and cute(:
- ‘WHIP MY HAIR’ must be a really depressing song for bald people.
- my motto today and most every day is, “i may be LATE but I am WORTH the Wait.”
- if T.G.I.F means “thank goodness it’s Friday” Does S.H.I.T mean “Sorry honey, it’s Thursday “?
- You ↗ You ↙ You → You ↓ You ↪ You ↫ You ↲ You ↯ You ↱ You ↶ and You ↴ like this status
- Vodka and ice damages your kidney. Rum and ice damages your liver. Whiskey and ice damages your heart. Damn ice, how much more damage can you do?!
- when i want you, you don’t love me. when i need you, your not there. when i finally move on you realize what you lost.
- What I learned from Movies: No matter how fast you run, a psychopath can catch up to you by walking slowly
- omg you’re gonna love this press F13 on your keyboard
- If a kiss was a rain drop id send you a shower if a hug was a second id send you an hour
- if water was sweet id send u the sea If you need love id send you me
- They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who’s in a hurry ?
- I’m changing my Facebook name to “no-one” so when i like people’s statuses it will say “no-one likes your status”
- votes that we need a “smack” button next to the “poke” button and a “hate” button next to the “like” button. Who’s with me???
- Friends like are underwear, they’re always here. Good friends are like condoms, they protect you. Best friends are like Viagra, they get you up when you fall
- A good friend will bail you out of jail but a best friend will be sitting beside you in that jail cell stating “Ohhhhhh we’re in trouble”
- You know your having a bad day when you get hit by a parked car.
- If your supposed to expect the unexpected wouldn’t that make the unexpected expected since your expecting it?
- Life really is about the little things…like pushing an unsuspecting co-worker into the freezer and leaning against the door
- I may not have the most friends but that’s because I go for QUALITY not QUANTITY!
- I was in my little cousins room and she had a Justin Bieber poster on her wall, so I asked her if she liked him. Her response, ” NO I throw darts at her”
- is painting a blue square in the backyard, so google earth thinks I have a pool!
- life has its ups and downs..,so up the music and down the vodka
- REMINDER: it is illegal to kill people even if they are stupid
- If a pain in the head is a migraine, what are you? An assgraine?
- has learned so much from his mistakes that he thinks he will make some more
- You know, singing in the shower is dangerous! Because singing leads to dancing, and dancing leads to slipping!
- Why is it every time I get an Idea, everybody says-oh no.. ?
- This is me. Any questions, complaints or suggestions please press the red X in the top right corner of your screen.
- 10 fish where swimming 6 drown 2 came back to life how many fish survived?
- Stop counting u geek fish cant drown !
- If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to smile about when you’re old
- if you’re ever being talked about, remember, great minds create idea, average minds create events, and small minds create rumors.
- Name your iPod “Titanic” plug it in, “Titanic is Syncing” Press cancel… Feel like a hero (:
- Remember that time on the bus…when you stuck your head out the window, i stuck out my butt out next to you, and everyone thought we were twins?suffers from U.A.D “Uncontrollable Awesomeness Disorder”
- Did you just like your own status? Seriously, That’s like calling you cell phone from your house phone to talk to yourself.
- Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring. So I go back to being me.
- Q:What should you do if you see your Ex in pain, limping and bleeding???A:Take a deep breath, reload, aim and fire again.
- So far today I made only one mistake… I GOT OUT OF BED!!!
- I filled out an application today. One of the questions was to give an example of team work. I put down “gang bang.” What? I thought it was a good answer.
- when i was born i was so mad at my parents i didn’t talk to them for two years!
- If a quiz is called a quizzical, then what do you call a test?
- tried to say no to the vodka…but it 40% stronger than me X x
- Don’t steal, don’t lie, don’t cheat, don’t sell drugs. The government hates competition!
- I couldn’t insult you anymore than nature has already done!
- I love my pillow cause it gives me different hairs styles everyday!!
- i wanna make a new account on fb and put the name as nobody so when stupid ppl put crap i can like it and it Will say nobody likes this
- …is taking a mental vacation…my body is here but my mind is gone somewhere tropical with lots of water sunshine and a cold drink
- I respect all those people who hate me because my middle finger rises up and salutes them.
- you can’t hold on to what’s in front of you if you don’t let go of what’s behind you…
- The worst way to miss someone is having them by your side and knowing you won’t ever have them.
- At some point you need to stop and think: What do you love more; yourself, or the person hurting you? Is it worth the pain. Or would you rather be happy?
- Some days I wish you’d love me back. Other days I know wishing wont help, and I cry as I try to stop loving you. But my heart knows what it wants.
- & now I’m sitting here thinking about all those sweet things you said to me, how much i wanted to be with you, you had a chance, prove to me you deserve another
- People say follow your heart, but when your heart is in pieces which piece do you follow?
- Man’s silence is the best answer for a woman to let go.
- Never play on someone who showed you what love means. Coz only when its too late that you’ll realize,you’ve lost something you would never have again
- If you REALLY love me, show it don’t say it. Words mean nothing, it’s the actions that really speak!
- my mind knows that i cant have what i want, but my heart wont listen. heartache is coming again.
- When you give someone a second chance its like providing them with another bullet after they missed you the first time
- A real friend is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everyone else just sees the smile on your face. A true friend knows your heart.
- It’s hard loving someone knowing they don’t love you back, but it’s even harder loving someone when you know you shouldn’t because the timing isn’t right
- “Have you ever noticed that the people that who say they love you soo much are the people who hurt you the worst” -
- the difference between falling for a guy an falling off a horse is when you fall off a horse you can get back on.
- I smile & act like nothings hurting me.I really don’t know what’s wrong with u. But I know one thing.no matter how much u hurt me, I can’t stop loving u
- For Sale: 1 Heart. Horrible condition. I don’t care what you do with it, just rip it out of my chest and take away this pain.
- Relationships aren’t perfect. Perfection is when you and I can go through anything and still stand strong together. Wiser. and more in love than imaginable.
David...
is going to buy a parrot and then teach it to say, "Help! I've been turned into a parrot!"
is going to change his name to Simon and then go around speaking in third person.
is driving around town, following runners, and blasting "Eye Of The Tiger" for encouragement!
put some vanilla pudding in to a mayonnaise jar and is eating it in public
is handing out lemons to people on a street corner and wearing a shirt that says "Life"
is going to major in philosophy and then go around and ask "WHY do you want fries with that?"
just ran into a store screaming "What year is this?" and when the cashier replied with the year, I ran out screaming, "It Worked! It Worked!!!"
is changing my last name to Acula, and going to become a doctor...
just hired two private investigators to follow each other
is standing in a crowded elevator saying, "I guess you are probably wondering why I've gathered you all here today..."
That awkward moment when your crush doesn’t reply to your messages, but updates their Facebook status…
Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.
Doctor's handwriting: ﹏﹏ ﹏﹏ ﹏﹏.
What I see: ∮₪￦₮￡.
What the nurse sees: Aspirin 500mg.
LIKE if you remember having to REWIND a video before you returned it.
Ghetto pronunciation: Bathroom = Baafrumm, Refrigerator = Fridgerataa, Remote = Moken Troll
Two tips for faster jogging… 1. hot girl in front of you 2. creepy dude behind you.
Hopefully one day your life will be as cool as you make it appear on Facebook.
I don’t understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I’m trusting you with my money, you should at least trust me with your damn pens!
The hardcore way to eat ramen noodles:
1. Boil water 2. Eat block of ramen 3. Drink boiled water 4. Snort flavored powder 5. Fuck Bitches
I like to listen to the first 30 seconds of an accidental pocket dial like I'm in an FBI van.
If you’ve never jumped from one couch to the other to avoid lava, you never had a childhood.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
When people yawn, do deaf people think they are screaming?
My girlfriend yelled at me for being "controlling." Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.
It's time for our monthly 'LETS SEE WHAT YA GOT!' statuses. So lets see what you, our community, has in store for us this month!
_______ is proud of himself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years
my computer just beat me at chess...but it was no match for me at kick boxing
whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate
_____ started out with nothing and still has most of it left
_____ is a cross dresser. Deciding what to wear can get me angry
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is alot like going down on your cousin, it tastes the same but you know its wrong!
can't believe she's just been thrown out of KFC! i only asked for a leg and a wing ..
Nothing makes me more nervous than receiving facebook emails after the weekend saying, “You have been tagged in a photo.
I love that moment when you catch someone doing something that they thought no one else saw them do.
A friend is someone who is there for you when he’d rather be somewhere else.
Bar Rules for MEN: No shirt, no service. Bar rules for WOMEN: No shirt, free drinks.
In 20 minutes 1,851,000 status updates are entered on Facebook.
My parents accused me of being a liar. I looked them in the face & said, “tooth fairy, Santa, Easter bunny.” & walked away like a boss.
FACEBOOK: The second most popular word that starts with “F” and ends with “K”
My opinions are my wife’s, and she says I’m lucky to have them.
If you want someone to open a work email, you need a good subject line. “STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL” will get read every time without fail.
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
Look and you will see. Seek and you will find. Ask and you’ll get the answer. Knock and someone will open the door. ☺
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
I’m usually charming, nice, and well manured, OK for those who really know me you can laugh now..
If you like me press like. If you hate me, go away. If you love me comment.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook talking never updates anything.
Women only need 3.5 inches to achieve maximum pleasure, it’s called a credit card.
I need 6months vacation, twice a year..
I am going to start cleaning my house. And by cleaning, i mean drinking beer and spraying everything with febreze.
That awkward moment when you keep talking & you don`t realize your friend walked away.
Never make the same mistake twice, there are so many new ones, try a different one each day.
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
I am not feeling lazy actually, I am just incredibly motivated to do nothing..
You and your rumors have two things in common, you’re both fake and you both get around.
If life give you lemons, squirt your enemy’s eye..
Well, We have a poke button, now we need a punch and pinch and kick button..
Facebook is a crazy house People poke each other all day have an imaginary pet farm and talk to walls
I don’t have issues, I have demonds and they are the ones with issues
I’m the person that the more you complain about me, the harder I’ll try to annoy you.
Sometimes the only one who can appreciate you, is you.
I’m not getting older, I’m just becoming a classic..
I’m not 40, I’m eighteen with 22 years experience…
I may be old enough to know better, but I am STILL young enough to DO IT..
If you are reading this, congrats you know how to read..
When you’re good, you’re good, when you’re awesome you’re me..
Thinks if Peter Piper picked peppers and Jack and Jill ran up the hill and Mary took her lamb to school, wasn’t Humpty Dumpty lazy just sitting on a wall?
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
I bet that in prison everyone’s FB relationship status is set to it’s complicated.
A goal without a plan is just a wish.
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to tweet or update your Facebook status.
I never worry about money. What’s the sense of worrying about something you don’t have?
Are you really leaving or are you just trying to brighten up my day?
Remember, anything you can do, I can do drunker.
That awkward moment when nobody likes your Facebook status.
If you miss an opportunity don’t fill the eyes with tears, It will hide another better opportunity in front of you.
People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built!
Instead of pressing “like” on FB, what if we clicked a “duh” button?!?
It would be so cool if I could see what my life would be like if I had made different decisions.
If you were happy before him, you can be happy after him!
Admit it, you love him so u facebook stalk him. You over think your status updates in case he reads’em & you look @ all his photos several times a day.
My level of boredom is directly proportional to how much I crave another beer.
It’s a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.
You were born an original. Don’t die a copy.
For this year, I’m giving up women. Of course, it looks like they’ve pretty much beaten me to it.
When I think of a good status in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it’s too late.
The angle of the dangle is adversely proportional to the heat of the bea
A picture is worth a thousand words. Yours just says “slut” a thousand times in a row.
I don't get drunk... I get AWESOME!
If all men are the same, why do women take so long to choose one ?
Hard work never killed anybody, but it does keep you off Facebook.
"Ladies first" is just a nice way of saying "Let me look at your butt while you walk in front of me"
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work or prison.
I know the world isn’t going to end in 2012 because my yogurt expires in 2013!
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late!
The reason drunk driving deaths have declined is because people can no longer afford to buy both gas and booze.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
A woman comes home to find her man blow drying his cock. She asks "What the hell are you doing?" He answers,"Heating up your dinner!"
Question... when Will.I.Am dies, will his Tombstone say: Will.I.Was?
I have come to the conclusion that Google must be female, as she has the answer to everything!
I just realized that relationships are like Tom & Jerry: They tease each other, knock down each other, irritate each other, but can’t live without each other.
Next time your having a bad day imagine this: your a Siamese twin your brother on your shoulder is gay your not he has a date coming you have only one ass
It’s amazing how having your own laptop automatically makes you stay up at least two hours later than normal while still achieving absolutely nothing.
My fiance says I talk while I sleep. But I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I seen someone's status on Facebook, they said they were suicidal and on the edge..So I poked them...
Facebook the ultimate soap opera 'the posting of our lives'
A seafood diet is the best: whenever you see food, eat it.
NOBODY IS TALKING TO ME .... AHH .... I AM TALKING TO MYSELF
A tree never hits an automobile... except in self-defense.
I Brake For No Apparent Reason
Honk if you want to see my finger.
I'm young at heart. Slightly older in other places.
When you raise your arms, your B.O can K.O someone. Please, invest in some deodorant.
The trumpeter blew it while auditioning for the symphony.
When I say 'I MISS SCHOOL' it means my 'FRIENDS AND THE FUN' not the 'SCHOOL'
Getting older means I no longer have the energy to do many of the things I enjoy in life, for example being awake.
I remember going on a school field trip, and realizing the bus ride was the best part.
Edward isn't a vampire. He lives in a forest, he doesn't eat people and he sparkles... He's obviously a fairy.
Consider power as NOT getting people to obey you but getting people to work in harmony with you with the go
God created the earth, God created the woods,
God created you too, but yes, even God makes mistakes!
Do not disturb, I am enough disturbed as it is . . .
I love all the stars in the sky
but they r nothing compared to
the ones in your eyes
If i were a tear in ur eye i wood
roll down onto ur lips.But if u were
a tear in my eye i wood never cry as
i wood be afraid 2 lose u!
What's common between the sun & women's underwear?
a) Both are hot
b) Both look better while going down
c) Both disappear by night.
Hello, this is Death. Please answer when you're ready.
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
Do you ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?'
Sorry, I am having an out of money experience...
*****************
I can please only one person per day.
second day is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I am a killer,I kill people for money.
But because you are my friend,
I will kill you for nothing!
two childrn were sitting outside a clinic. one of them was crying
1st Child: why are you crying?
2nd Child: I came here for a blood test
1st Child: So? are you scared?
2nd Child: No. for the blood test, they cut my fingr
At this, the 1st one started crying loudly
the 2nd one was astonishd
2nd Child: why are you crying now?
1st Child: I came for a urine test!
A Srdar was sitting outside a store, crying. the manager of the store spoted him outside & ask what,s wrong.
Sardar said his mother just died, & the manager said - "Oh I am sorry.
The Sardar's cell ph start ring and he answerd it, saying - "Hello! Haanji. are you serius?" Then, he kept down the ph
the manager ask him who that was & the Sardar said - "that was my sister?her mom just died too!"
Son asks difference between Confidence and Confidential
Dad tells, you are my son I'm Confident.
your friend is too my son, that,s Confidential
Babblo nay ENGLISH k paper k liye
"MY BEST FRIEND" k essay taiyar kya
lakin paper may "MY FATHER" ka essay a gya.
Us ny socha k "MY BEST FRIEND" k essay he likhta hu lakin
FRIEND k jagha FATHER ko likh doon ga.
Ab ESSAY kuch u tha
. "Father aer everywhere but good father rare very rair.
I have so many father but my best father is MR.Samar.
He is my naibour
. He often come to my house
and my Mother like him very much
God saw your parents hungry, he created meal
God saw they are thirsty, he created coke
He saw them walking, he created car
He saw them without problems, he created you.
Angel askd a man after death:
Kia tm shadi shuda thy?
Man: Yes
Angel Orderd:
Yah dozak bhugat k aaya hy isay jannat main daal do.
Angel ask same question to another man.
Man: 2 baar shaadi ke the.
Angel orderd: Isy dozakh main daal do. issy dozakh main rahny ke aadat ho gai hy.
Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud
is coloring on your wall! ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((>
Taylor is wondering if you can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars?
Did u know that when some1 annoys u, it takes 42 muscles to frown, But it only takes 4 muscles to extend ur arm out and smack'em in the head
̿̿̿ ̿' ̿'̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿ this is a stick-up... give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!
Kristina is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years
Roxanne dreams of a better world...where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned :0)
Ian feels like getting some work done...and so he is sitting down until the feeling passes.
Steven Card is wondering.... if money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
٥ﺎ ٱц =)
Jane is wondering what the person who discovered milk was doing with the cow
Don't wait for the perfect moment...Take the moment and make it perfect...
Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I can no longer fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that.
Jake used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she's good at everything.
Facebook is the only place where its acceptable to talk to a wall
☆:*´¨`*twinkle twinkle little star...point me to the nearest bar ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶*´¨`*:.
was playing "FARMVILLE" when immigration showed up and took all my workers ! ! !
John is retired. I was tired yesterday, and I'm tired again today.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today's status.
What do I do when I see someone EXTREMELY GORGEOUS? I stare, I smile & when I get tired, I put the mirror down!
¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ
feels like getting some work done...and so he is sitting down until the feeling passes.
is color blind and trying to solve a Rubik's cube... This could take a while...
dreams of a better world...where chickens can cross the road without having their motives
questioned.
is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
doesn't suffer from insanity... he enjoys every minute of it.
is wondering where Noah kept woodpeckers on his ark.
whoever says paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Good morning...I see the assassins have failed.
Be nice to nerds, chances are you will be working for them.
would rather check her Facebook than face her checkbook.
believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.
Don't waste money on expensive i pods. Simply think of your favorite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", think of another song you like and hum that instead.
is "writing this to entertain the losers who take the time to actually read what others ""status"" is"
Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.
My favorite mythical creature: The Honest Politician.
The winner of the rat race is still a rat.
Teenagers drink twice as much as they did 10 years ago. Mind you, they were only aged between 3 and 9 ten years ago.
I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself.
The day when Youtube, Facebook & Twitter combine to form "YouTwitFace"
Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business" always be followed by, "but"?
is getting a grip on reality..and choking it to death.
is out making some changes in his or her life...leave a message and I'll get back to you. if I don't return your message you are one of the changes!
is normal..it's everyone else that's weird.
is proof that God has a sense of humor...
is rejecting your reality and substituting it with his own.
is thinking so what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. Your move, Jesus.
is joining the army. He hears it's a great way to meet people. Then kill them.
is tired of chasing his dreams. I'm just going to ask where they are going and hook up with them later.
If swimming is an exerciser explain whales to me.
I`m jealous of my parents, i`ll never have a kid as cool as theirs…
Before talking, Please connect the tongue to the brain…
If swimming is an exerciser explain whales to me.
Can I take your picture?? I love to collect pictures of natural disasters..
I have finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says, “for extra volume and body.”
Even if you live your life as a open book, people will still wonder which pages have secret messages.
For every girl without a guy, there`s a guy without a girl.
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.
I follow the quote, “Always be true to yourself” because I only lie to others!
You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.
The awkward moment when you know you shouldn`t laugh, but you do..
I am a star, so when you see me, make a wish.
I posted on your wall. No, not Facebook, look at the side of your house.
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
Money doesn`t bring happiness, but shopping does..
I`m not single. I`m in a long standing relationship with fun and freedom.
Don`t you know it`s rude to talk while I`m interrupting?
